Monday, December 31, 2012

One last time

I saw it coming,
I knew what it meant.
I knew the consequences,
I knew the price I would pay.

But those moments of happiness,
those moments of bliss,
to know that you can trust,
to believe that you are loved,
the feeling of being safe,
the feeling of being home
meant more to me than a future that was yet unreal,
a darkness that was still a nightmare.

I was strong, I could do this.
My memories would be my strength.
But I was wrong, I misjudged.

That little voice at the back of my head,
the guilt that would hold me back,
the conflict with my own self, 
the belief that I was wrong to want what I wanted,
the confusion between letting go and holding on,
the insecurity of loss,
it all made me weak,
like I haven't been before.

I wanted to fight back for myself,
I could not find the strength
and who would I fight?
He was a mere spectator,
watching from the sidelines.
There wasn't anything he could do.
He had told me how it was, 
he'd showed me both sides of the coin.
He'd told me he would leave.
What he didn't say is that he would forget, but did he?

His pain would have relieved me,
to know that I didn't go through it alone,
that he felt some of what I went through
would have validated my decision, 
that I did what I did for the right person.

The hurt probably blinded me,
I forgot that I am not the only one who would live on memories,
he went through a storm as well.
But he knew that he would be ashore
while I still needed a boat.

He is sorry, I believe him.
I would forgive him one day, I'm sure.
I am sorry too. 
But how would I ever forgive myself?
The memories do not help.
They are just not enough.

The storm has subsided,
the ocean is calm.
The wind is now a breeze,
there isn't a choice.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

of messiahs & bees

I never wrote about the moonlit sky,
the mountain peaks, sun gliding by,
the waves in the sea, greens in the trees,
I was somehow always stuck with me.

Each morning had something new in store,
new hopes, new loves, new dreams and more,
and all of that I would ignore,
I would search till I found new misery.

Every misery had a messiah,
I'd close my eyes, let life steer,
the messiah would then become the master,
& before I would know I'd have lost all control.
I would live my life led by others,
their notions of right and wrong,
their happiness and their whims.

And finally I couldn't breathe,
conforming took up a lot of my life,
but the rest of it, I'm taking it back,
I don't need a messiah.

Now I see the birds, I see the bees,
I see the dew-drops on the leaves.
May be I'll write about them the next time.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Random Thoughts just floating by..

Here I am, in a room full of people,
All are familiar faces, I see them everyday,
There are some I've known longer
and a few that i know better than the rest,
But none of them are friends....
Though they could easily be,
They are nice, they are fun, not different from those i call my friends
But I cant find it in me to make that effort, to bridge that gap & let the world in,
They have tried, most of them, to draw me out.
Some have given up, some are still trying.
I want to help them but its getting more difficult everyday.

Life is at cross-roads,

Its time to decide
& suddenly i have to be all grown up....
Wasn't it yesterday that i was still a child?
Still allowed to be willful and spoilt?

I know what I have to do?

But is it what i want?
What is it that i really want?
Most wishes are fantasies, some are daydreams.....just wishful thinking...
I hope you are not one of them,
I hope you are my reality.

The thoughts just flow randomly,

There is no begining & no end,
I'm caught in the current,
I need to get out.....NOW