Our true colours

Ever noticed if the person next to you is blue or green or may be red? No.. I am not talking about the colours of their clothes. For some unfathomable reason I have begun to associate people with their colours. Thats how I see them. Wierd!! I know!!

Like a rich earthy brown is warm and comfortable. It makes you feel safe and secure, like you are home. Its a source of strength like the earth it represents. My mother, therefore, is a brown (even if she doesnt like it much). My mother and one other person.

And my best friend, well.. she is a yellow and she doesnt like it either. But still, she is a bright, sunny yellow. She dispels the darkness around her just like the sun's rays. She walks in and the world lights up.

Who is a red? Well, you are red..Boss!! A red is charismatic, inspiring, determined and a leader and, therefore, not part of the crowd. Its so you.

And I know someone who is a purple too. She is funny, sometimes insane, strong, understanding and unknown, a bit of a mystery. Yes, she is a purple.

Who is a light blue? Well, he is infinite, vast and right in front of you like the sky and still you would never understand what it exactly is?

Then there are the dark greens. Reliable, dependable, real people. They are good friends, much like the browns, since they represnt nature.

Oh.. then we have the oranges and the fluorescents. The oranges are lively but stubborn. And the fluoroscents are those whose mere presence disrupts the harmony of your mind.

Did I forget the whites? I associate white with wisdom and peace. So, white for me is the colour of a mentor, a guide. His mere presence calms you and gives you hope.

I am yet to meet a black though. A black is someone who has built walls around themselves that cannot be broken, making it impossible to understand them. You mistrust them based on some inner instinct, not any good reason. But I am sure most of us know the greys. They are attractive, enchanting, rebellious free-thinkers with absolutely no concern for the conventions of the society. Of course, the majority out there are pretend greys, but it doesn't take long before they show their true colours (pun intended :P).

The range of human nature is infinite. The types and varieties you come across is endless, and so are the colours.

Funny thing is.. I am yet to figure out mine.

Note: Originally written on 30th November, 2012.

The Surfer

I see it coming,

bigger than any I have seen before.

Can I do this?

Will it engulf me?

I should walk away.

There will be more after all.

And then I feel it,

their eyes- watching and waiting.

Waiting for me to fail,

waiting so they can gloat,

waiting to say 'knew she didn't have it in her'.

There is no going back.

Those eyes would haunt me forever.

There's only one way- the way into the sea.

The waves are my friends,

ready to take me to new heights.

I just have to rise up to them.

And I can.

Note: Originally written on 27th November, 2012

One last time

I saw it coming,

I knew what it meant.

I knew the consequences,

I knew the price I would pay.

But those moments of happiness,

those moments of bliss,

to know that you can trust,

to believe that you are loved,

the feeling of being safe,

the feeling of being home

meant more to me than a future that was yet unreal,

a darkness that was still a nightmare.

I was strong, I could do this.

My memories would be my strength.

But I was wrong, I misjudged.

That little voice at the back of my head,

the guilt that would hold me back,

the conflict with my own self, 

the belief that I was wrong to want what I wanted,

the confusion between letting go and holding on,

the insecurity of loss,

it all made me weak,

like I haven't been before.

I wanted to fight back for myself,

I could not find the strength

and who would I fight?

He was a mere spectator,

watching from the sidelines.

There wasn't anything he could do.

He had told me how it was, 

he'd showed me both sides of the coin.

He'd told me he would leave.

What he didn't say is that he would forget, but did he?

His pain would have relieved me,

to know that I didn't go through it alone,

that he felt some of what I went through

would have validated my decision, 

that I did what I did for the right person.

The hurt probably blinded me,

I forgot that I am not the only one who would live on memories,

he went through a storm as well.

But he knew that he would be ashore

while I still needed a boat.

He is sorry, I believe him.

I would forgive him one day, I'm sure.

I am sorry too. 

But how would I ever forgive myself?

The memories do not help.

They are just not enough.

The storm has subsided,

the ocean is calm.

The wind is now a breeze,

there isn't a choice.

of messiahs & bees

I never wrote about the moonlit sky,

the mountain peaks, sun gliding by,

the waves in the sea, greens in the trees,

I was somehow always stuck with me.

Each morning had something new in store,

new hopes, new loves, new dreams and more,

and all of that I would ignore,

I would search till I found new misery.

Every misery had a messiah,

my eyes closed, I’d let life steer,

the messiah would become the master,

And before I knew I had lost all control.

I lived my life led by others,

their notions of right and wrong, their happiness and their whims.

Finally I couldn't breathe,

I lost myself conforming!

I'm taking it back,

I don't need a messiah.

Now, I see the birds, I see the bees,

I see the dew-drops on the leaves.

Maybe I'll write about them the next time.

Random Thoughts just floating by..

Here I am, in a room full of people.
All are familiar faces, I see them everyday.
There are some I've known longer
and a few that I know better.
But none of them are friends,
though they could easily be.
They are nice, they are fun, not different from those I call my friends
But I can't find it in me to make that effort, to bridge that gap and let the world in.
They have tried to draw me out.
Some have given up, some are still trying.
I want to help but its getting more difficult everyday.

Life is at cross-roads; its time to decide.
And suddenly I have to be all grown up.
Wasn't it yesterday that I was still a child?
Still allowed to be wilful and spoilt?

I know what I have to do.
But is it what I want?
What do I really want?
Most wishes are fantasies, daydreams - just wishful thinking.
I hope you are not one of them,
I hope you are my reality.

The thoughts just flow randomly,
There is no beginning and no end,
I'm caught in the current,
I need to get out. NOW!

Journey of a different kind

I take up a pen..... its been a long time!!
My head floods with memories,
good & bad, happy & sad.
Memories that warm you up
like hot coffee on a chilly morning,
like the fire in the hearth in that ol' house of your dreams,
like ma's hug when the tears don't cease,
like a long-lost friend's laughter when a friend is what you need.

I'm on a journey back in time
seeing all that has gone
with fresh new eyes
I see strength in trials,
love in distress,
truth in heart-breaks,
friendships in turmoils & I wish.....

I wish I could show you all that I see,
take you with me on the same journey,
but though we were together for some time,
the roads have now taken us our separate ways.
They stretch ahead of me endlessly & I'm unsure.....
Which is the road where I might find you again?
I keep going back though the roads lead on,
the journey continues creating new memories.
May be.....you might still be a part of some.

I wish..

I wish that I had studied harder,
wish I had performed better,
wish I'd been an opportunist,
wish that I never do repeat
my many mistakes.

I wish I'd never left things in a mess,
wish I could hear all that's not said,
wish I were in a better place,
wish I had the courage to face
the consequences of my decisions.

I wish I was a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend,
wish I'd learn to understand when its over before the end,
wish I'd learn to feel less,
wish I'd learn to not regret.

I wish I'd learn from all of this
the importance of this one chance I have
to live.. a life without regrets.